INFANT VS OLDER CHILD ADOPTION:
Voice of Parents that have Adopted from Brazil

To many people, the idea of spending six weeks in Brazil to adopt a child seems like a costly and unnecessary requirement in a process already full of so many hurdles. I knew from the start, however, that this would be an essential part of the adoption of my two sons. What I didn't know, however, was how great of an impact our stay in Brazil would have on my sons and I as we began to build a family together.

There were many immediate benefits of our stay in Brazil . It gave us a chance to transition into family life on neutral ground. Though we were just a few blocks from the orphanage, my sons were already experiencing culture shock staying in a hotel, having a swimming pool, riding elevators, and having a dad. At least, for their sake, we were still in a place where everyone spoke their language and the food and smells were familiar. My sons needed this time to adjust to a new culture, and I needed the time to learn as much as possible about their culture. I was able to hear their stories of life in Brazil , stories that were spontaneously told as we wandered down streets, ate certain foods, saw people they recognized. These are stories that would have been lost had we gone directly from the orphanage to the U.S. In addition, I used the time to prepare my sons for the even greater shock that lie ahead - moving to a foreign country where nothing would seem familiar. By the time we left for the U.S. , we were already a family and were looking forward to being in our new home.

Four and a half years later, I feel we are still reaping the benefits of our stay in Brazil . We have shared memories of our time there - memories of riding the waves at the beach, the look on Dad's face when he tried a new Brazilian food, shopping at the market, eating cotton candy from our favorite street vendor, the caring hotel staff who helped us in so many ways, and many more. One of the most lasting effects of our stay there is the lifelong friendship we developed with two families: our Limiar social worker and her husband, and another adoptive family. My sons' first aunts, uncles and cousins in their new life came from these families. We continue to stay in touch with them and visit whenever possible.

Six weeks in an unfamiliar place trying to establish an instant family was not easy. It was hard work, but well worth it. When people wonder how I could have made such personal and financial sacrifices, I cannot imagine not having done this. Wouldn't you want the best for your family?

Tim Flanagan
Westerly , Rhode Island
May 2005

Brasilians want to be happy. Happiness -- and the pursuit of happiness are driving forces in Brasilian culture. Adopting the Brasilian child means bracing for this desire -- preparing for a child that is going to demand happiness. It's not for every adoptive parent.

One thing that strikes a foreigner in Brasil is that on the street or on the beach, it is rare to see a Brasilian child crying. One reason is because they are spoiled -- some say worshiped. As long as the child is within a family, they are put on a pedestal. Sadly, when they fall out of the family net, there is no safety net -- it is a free fall.

One of my fondest memories of Brasil is walking into a small shop run by a very large and burley guy -- the type that says "you break it, it's yours". A woman with a toddler walked into the shop. The giant melted -- "give me the baby while you shop". For the whole time, this big giant cuddled the child like father. It wasn't his but the culture adores children.

Brasilian laws governing children are progressive. Within the financial restraints of the legal system, Brasil is similar to the US system. The network of protections and legal checks on terminating parental rights are advanced.

For this reason they require that adoptive parents spend 30 days in the country during the adoptive process. They want to know that it's going to work - the social worker that visits during this time wants to know that it's going to work. The adoptive parent should want to know that it's going to work.

By Brasilian law, an adopted child raised in the U.S. is still Brasilian. They will always be Brasilian because of their birth. The adoptive parents will be raising a Brasilian whether they like it or not! Since your new family is going to be Brasilian - it's important to get to know the country and the culture. I wonder if 30 days is enough!

People adopt for very different reasons. I like to think that most people adopt because of an abundance of paternal or maternal love and energy -- and they want to put this energy where it belongs -- on a child.

A person pondering adoption and thinking "I want an infant - I want the full experience -- I want . . . " is adopting for their wants. They're adopting for what they want. A parent pondering adoption is simply looking for children who need the abundance of their love and energy. It's about the child. They wait until a story, a photograph, a set of eyes looks through a photograph and says to their heart "I'm the one -- wake up -- you've been looking for me". That event is not dependent on age -- the child might be 6 months or 6 years. The child might be in a photograph with his or her 3 other siblings -- desperate to not be separated. The parent sees it all. The parental energy flows into the picture like a river.

Good agencies realize that people with that energy are looking for kids. You just need to put them together. The age of the child isn't that important -- even though a new parent might think it is.

Jimmy Williams
New York City
May 2005

My adoption journey has been one of joy and sadness, pain and poignancy, of fear and triumph. Is this any different from the experience of any parent? Adopting older children has challenges, to be sure, but the joys seem sweeter and the victories more satisfying. I adopted my two children, Anapaula and Adriano, at the ages of eight and seven. I was a 38 year-old single woman whose life was about to change in ways I could not imagine. The experience of traveling to Brazil ,

though difficult in many ways, is one I will always treasure. I will always share with my children the knowledge that, because we were meant for each other, I traveled a long distance and endured some hardship to bring our family together.

We all believe that the hand of God brought us together. How can one argue with that? Nearly 15 years later, my children are young adults and are trying to make their way in the world. Life has not always been easy, but they know that the opportunities they have had here would never have happened in Brazil . They say that I saved their lives; I say that they saved mine.

Kathy Wetta
Medina , Ohio
May 2005

My husband and I adopted two Brazilian boys in 1991, with LIMIAR'S assistance. When we adopted them, Adriano was 7 years old and his brother Leandro was 5. Adriano is now 21 and has just finished his sophomore year at Valparaiso University ; Leandro is 19 and will begin his freshman year at Valparaiso in August. They are both fine young men, good students and good athletes (both will run track and cross country at Valpo next year), and I would list their adoption at the top of my life's resum é as the best thing I ever did.

When we first started looking into foreign adoptions, we decided not to consider any South American countries because they all required long stays and we had heard too many stories about under-the-table adoptions there. Then we started attending presentations by foreign adoption agencies. Many of them were high-pressure sales pitches, delivered to packed auditoriums: hurry up and get all your paper work done so you can be the first in line for a good baby. The fees in some cases were prohibitive, and I couldn't help wondering where all the money was going. And some of them had insultingly invasive requirements, such as signing an agreement to use birth control during the adoption process.

We looked at LIMIAR mainly because the US office was located in Hudson , Ohio at the time, close to where we were living, and we figured why not. This was 15 years ago and I don't clearly remember my first contact with Nancy Cameron. But I do remember that my husband and I went to a Christmas brunch to meet some of Limiar's adoptive families, and that we talked with several parents and some of the older children. This was where it started to feel like adopting from Brazil was the right thing to do. There was a close-knit family feeling to the whole gathering, due mainly to Nancy 's loving matriarchal presence. She knew each family personally. I also remember clearly one of the older Brazilian girls telling my husband and me quite frankly that there were lots of Brazilian kids that needed parents, but that mostly we needed to get some kids!

Adopting through LIMIAR appealed to us because they had a good history of bringing kids to the US, they worked directly with the courts in Brazil, the fees were modest and so did not give the impression that there was a profit margin involved, and mostly, it was obvious after meeting Nancy and several of the families that LIMIAR truly had the interests of children as their first concern.

LIMIAR still retained the feeling of a grassroots organization. We also liked the idea of adopting older, healthy children who needed a home, without having to start out as foster parents. (We did look into adopting older children in our home county, but there seemed to be no way to adopt without going through the foster care system. We were concerned that there was no guarantee we'd be allowed to adopt the foster children, and that they might end up be returned to their parents.)

I spent 5 weeks in Brazil with the boys, and my husband was with me for the first and last week. (He returned home for 3 weeks to work. Note: This arrangement is no longer possible.) Going to Brazil was an adventure that I admit I did not always enjoy at the time, but now I'm very glad I went. Five weeks out of my entire life now seems very short, particularly for something as important as the adoption of my children. Since my boys were young when they came to the US they don't remember too much about Brazil , and I can actually tell them a little bit about what it was like. The Brazilian people we met were friendly and patient with my attempts at Portuguese, and many of them went out of their way to tell me they were happy to see these boys being adopted by Americans. It was very clear that Brazilians love children.

Kathy and Steve Schultz
Brecksville , Ohio
May 2005

My wife and I started talking about adopting children shortly after we had confirmation that we could not have our own with out great risk to my wife. We went through several stages in our decision. First we talked from our feelings without the benefit of much real information. This was important because we communicated our feelings, fears and desires for adopting a child. After we both knew what was in our heads and our hearts, we started to gather information both about the adoption process and children waiting to be adopted.

The process was long but reasonable. The availability of children was an eye opener. Babies and toddlers are always at a premium and there is both a long waiting list and a considerably more complicated process. In part, this is due to the courts being exceedingly reluctant to terminate the parental rights of babies and children. Anyway once we decided not to limit our thinking to infants and toddlers many more options opened to us.

My wife and my situation was somewhat different because both of us had disabilities. It was exceeding difficult for us to get past that for many people. Even though we were both professional people and I had and still do a good administrative position, it was very difficult to get any discussion beyond our wheelchairs. After countless frustrated disappointments a social worker at one of the agencies took us aside and confidentially suggested that it would be very difficult for us to adopt in the US and that we might want to think about foreign adoption. That was a new thought for us but one we began to look into seriously. The same social worker jotted down a name and phone number and silently gave it to my wife. The name was LIMIAR, Nancy Cameron and a phone number.

From our first contact with Nancy , she never wavered from her positive and confident attitude about our adopting a child. She brought with her an endless supply of photo albums and video tapes for us to review. She had a story to tell about each photo and each image on the screen. The process was a long one and involved much thought and prayer. Through the process Nancy got to know us, our life style, our beliefs and values. I've always felt that this was the most important part of what Nancy did for us. She got to know who we were which allowed her to align us with our son.

We first saw our boy as his image flashed across the video screen with that bright smile that would light up his face and our lives forever. Nancy 's voice told us that this skinny little boy's name was Flavio and gave his age. We began the process of exploring the possibilities of bringing this little boy into our lives. Of course the decision was not only ours, it was Flavio's also. Through the torturous process we inched closer to realizing our dread of being parents.

All of our dreams were realized that magical moment that our brave little boy came bounding down the passage between the plane and the terminal into my wife's waiting arms. All of our lives were changed that day forever.

Many people have commented through the years on how wonderful it was that we took this little fragile life out of a life of sure poverty and nurtured him body, mind and spirit. But, I'm quick to give them the proper perspective. Our decision to adopt was not motivated by anything but our desire to be parents and to have children in our lives.

The fact that through that selfish motivation we complete changed the course of a child's life from a life of want and hardship with no possibilities to a life full of endless possibility was part of the deal.

Dr. John Robertson
Warren , Ohio
May 2005

Thinking about the decision to adopt an older child versus an infant: there are many advantages to adopting the older child . Since you will always have cultural issues when you adopt international you might as well adopt someone who already has a culture instilled in them. A child coming with a sense of culture will add to the home teaching those parts of the culture he/she already treasures. If you adopt a younger child who has no sense of culture, it puts a greater burden on the parents to instill the old culture into the child and create a sense of importance about what you chose to celebrate. If you're adopting international, you have to embrace the whole culture. Your child will feel more important being able to teach you and will have a sense of ownership by enriching the family.

Softening the emotional scars that the older child has already experienced seems to be a concern. However, I've seen other children who were adopted as infants and they seem to have the same scars. Those scars of rejection by the birth parents will always come to the surface. Adopting the older child allows you to deal with it immediately and can be a wonderful bonding experience. For the child adopted as an infant, anxiety grows over the years as they don't want insult their adoptive family by bringing it up and seeming ungrateful. Adopt the older child and get this issue out of the way right away.

Thinking about Brazil as a choice for an older child, I realize that one of the things that made it easier is that Brazil is a multinational diverse country similar to the United States. This has been an advantage because our daughter has seen people who act and look like us. She has been able to accept us as not being so terribly different from what she has seen in Brazil. Many families in Brazil have children of varying skin tones. In her eyes, we could look like a normal Brazilian family. I think that an adoption from a single ethnic culture country may have this as a higher hurdle to jump.

I understand that the six to eight week stay in Brazil may seem like a huge barrier to some. We thought so, too. However, it turned out to be a big advantage in dealing with our daughter for a couple of reasons. First, we got to experience first hand and enjoy some of the things that she loves about her culture. This gives us common ground to build trust. It fills in the gaps that will need to be filled. Those gaps will need to be filled in regardless and it makes a future trip to experience these things less necessary or less urgent. When she tries to play on our sympathy regarding the country she left behind. We're not totally naive and defenseless.

The older child will always maintain the sense of national pride, this serves as a protection for her as various groups in our culture try to assimilate her into their world. Her sense of pride and the knowledge that her family knows and celebrates the Brazilian part of her encourages the formation of a stronger family. This prevents her from searching for this identity and acceptance in groups that may harm her. The younger child may have greater difficulty in this area.

Is adopting an older child from Brazil easy? No. You must be strong, determined, culturally competent and patient. You must be willing to be the parent that you need to be.

Lastly, whether you adopt a child when they are an infant or sixteen, they remain your child all their life. It doesn't stop when they become eighteen. Look with great joy and anticipation to the years ahead, and not to the early years that were lost.

Jeni has been our daughter all her life, we just had to wait 15 years to receive her.

Gary Walega
Lafayette , Colorado
May 2005

Her name is Hilda. She is a very pretty girl, and very smart. She has a beautiful smile, and loves children. But unfortunately for Hilda, she is just another girl being raised in the slums, with no hope. Her story is so familiar. She tries to find love and security in a relationship, and instead, she is used, abused, and becomes a mother at a young age. Now she is in strugglejust to try to keep her family alive. They live in a little shack without water, electricity, or a bathroom. She loves her children, and it hurts to know that they are hungry, and she has no food to give them. She turns to drugs to try to get rid of the pain. The children are living on the streets now and have to try to find their own food. They are so hungry at times that they sometimes eat pieces of cloth or bugs. The two youngest children are almost dying. Fortunately, the courts are made aware of the children's condition and the children are placed in an orphanage. There is no doubt that this saved their lives. The pain for Hilda is so intense. She is a mother who has lost her children. She goes to the orphanage to visit them, but by now she is so dirty and smelly, that the children do not even want to be with her. She brings them treats, but the treats are so dirty that the children cannot even eat them. Finally, she stops coming. She dies a few years later. A young woman, probably not more than 28 years-old, with enough sorrows for five lifetimes. Does anyone even take note of her death? Does anyone care that this life with so much potential has met with such an end? There is at least one person who mourns her death. On the other side of the world, I cry tears for Hilda.

What is to happen to Hilda's children? The studies tell us that unless a miracle happens, the children are doomed to live the life that their mother lived. Trapped by a vicious circle of poverty, violence, and death. Five wonderful children so alive, so filled with potential, yet without hope!

But then it happened. The first miracle. The courts allow Hilda's children to be made available for adoption, and hope for their future is born. The second miracle. Right in the middle of a successful business career, I felt God calling me to make a difference for Him. And in 1999, with the help of LIMIAR, Hilda's five wonderful children became MY children, and the circle was broken, and a new one begun.

Instead of hunger, fear, and despair, our days are filled with laughter, school lessons, trips to the beach, and yes, plenty of food. With lots of love and attention, my children have just blossomed! They are surrounded by family and friends that love and care for them. They are happy! You can see it in their eyes. And their future could not be brighter. A doctor, a teacher, or perhaps a minister. These are just some of the dreams for the future that my children now have. Anything is possible! A free college education is just

waiting for them to accept it. My oldest son tells me that he wants to adopt a child from Brazil when he grows up. Everywhere we go, people tell me what wonderful children I have, and I agree. We are a very happy and blessed family!

Yet, despite our happiness, there is something that sometimes keeps me awake at night. You see, I wonder how many other children, just like mine, are growing up to a life like Hilda's. A life without hope. And my heart cries, give them a chance! PLEASE let them have a chance. There are so many families with hearts full of love willing to give them a chance.

Perhaps now that you understand why I cry tears for Hilda. I wish I had been able to let her know that OUR children were safe and loved before she died. I wish I could have told her what their lives are like now, and how happy they are. I wish I could have thanked her for her wonderful children. But I can't. The best that I can do is to tell Hilda's story and hope that it will touch hearts, and perhaps because of that, other children's lives can be changed forever .

Ken Litzinger